Objects in Space

Asteroid Wily

Proud bearer of the title ‘Seediest Stopover in the Quadrant’, Asteroid Wily is a traveling black market. It was catapulted out of its solar system as a form of tax evasion.

Aliens of all species are welcome, though their safety is not guaranteed.

Ownership of the asteroid is fleeting at the best of times. Its first owner, Squick the Gullible, was deposed a mere 4 hours into her rein by her own daughter Squick Jr. The-Less-Gullible-But-Terrified-Of-Sharp-Things.

Squick Jr. was dispatched 16 seconds later by Stabby Mick, who choked her to death.

Briefly owned by Rho Teller.

Earth [New Norwegia] (Planet)

Earth and humanity remain uninteresting and unimportant to the Universe at large. Leisure activities include binge-watching reality TV and making species extinct, usually combining the two where possible.

Earth has been living under the great Norwegish Empire for many centuries.

The Tanngnjóstr family led the conquering of the world; legend has it that it was due to a repeated insult purposefully confusing Norway with Finland. Since no one expected the attack, no one defended against it.

With the planet conquered and subdued, the current Emperor, Harald Tanngnjóstr, had no eye for the vastness of space. The public turned instead to Ambassador of Earth Murphy, who was convinced the next step was a giant leap for mankind onto the Interstellar political stage. A surge of power and public affection for the Ambassador and the Space Captains took hold.

Fedolphus (Planet)

Home of the polite, balloon-headed Bufoboyants, Fedolphus is a colony of Earth made to breed the most precious resource in the Universe: kittens.

The Bufoboyants‘ home planet is technically a colony of Earth, despite the fact that barely any humans live there.

This is because the Bufoboyants were so polite that everyone on the planet voted unanimously to quit their jobs and work for the Humans, as it seemed like the nice thing to do.

Once Earth had discovered the universal appeal of kittens, the Bufoboyants were set to breeding and raising cats. Cats continue to be Earth’s sole successful means of trade with the rest of the Universe. The Bufoboyants would never dream of asking for a raise.

Norman‘s home planet.

Feeble (Moon)

One of many moons orbiting the Planet George. Best to only visit during the dry season, as it rains glass.

The Feeble Moon is covered in swamp with a thriving ecosystem, each creature more disgusting than the last. The moon is home to the Erumpus Rex and Not-George species.

George (Planet)

Where Jupiter has the Red Spot, George has two, along with the famous ‘Big Weird Smear Thing’, giving it the impression that it has a smiling face.

Planet George is an uninhabited planet orbited by many moons, including the Feeble Moon. Its atmosphere is incredibly toxic.

George is worshiped by the primitive species known as the Not-Georges, as it was the biggest thing in the sky so they assumed it had something to do with their creation. Their worship of the planet was only briefly interrupted by a period of Mop worship.

Where Jupiter has the Red Spot, George has two, along with the famous ‘Big Weird Smear Thing’, giving it the impression that it has a smiling face. This strange coincidence might have led to its status as a benevolent God, but the Not-Georges do not have discernible faces, and thus have no idea that George is smiling down on them.

Nimbus (Planet)

An Earth colony. Due to the strange pace of the planet’s rotation and its abundance of moons, Nimbus will see only 4 Earth Hours of sunlight in 1 Earth Week.

Initial plans were to create a planet-wide casino to attract alien business. However, the first-wave of human colonists, with little else to do while the casino was being built, accidentally started a swift population boom.

The casino project was cancelled 9 months in, and it was swiftly replaced with the Universe’s largest ballpit.

The first-wave of colonists, having no electricity, brought carrots with them to improve their vision at night. The carrots had an overwhelmingly negative effect on the ecosystem, swiftly mutating and rampaging across an entire continent. It is believed one third of the planet was abandoned to these vitamin-rich monstrosities.

Supposed home of Rho Teller.

Ozmorb (Giant Alien)

A planet-sized alien with a full ecosystem on its skin. Ozmorb seems fond of singing, presumably the Top Hits from the Dawn of Time.

Ozmorb is a member of the ancient Godscallops species.

It acts as host to a variety of aliens, including Fungalonians and Barflies. The economy is mainly self-sufficient, with the most common job being Dandruff Farmer. All species consume Ozmorb’s flesh, which is highly alcoholic, and are incapable of getting drunk. Ozmorb’s flesh grows faster than the entire civilisation can eat it.

Studies into Ozmorb have shown that it is a ‘She’, though the scientists in question don’t like to talk about how they found out.

Undulon (Planet)

One of the few gas giants in the Universe with sentient beings living on it in the form of the Undulon Gigas. It has a very unsuccessful tourist board.

Planet Undulon has very strong gravity, with tremendous winds that are the only thing preventing the Gigas from being dragged down below the gaseous planet surface.

Home planet of Oort.

Uranus (Planet)

Once a part of the same Solar System as Earth, Planet Uranus was asked to leave for being too embarrassing.

Before its departure, it once stole Earth’s moon with the help of Patrick Murphy’s crew (including Rho Teller).

It is now part of the Andromeda Galaxy, on the insistence that it be renamed.

Whippy (Planet)

The ice cream planet. The locals of Planet Whippy have spent several millenia experimenting on curing ice cream headaches.

On learning of the existence of an ice cream planet, most species have three reactions: first a scoff, then an eye roll, and finally a sudden, overwhelming sensation that every moment of their life not spent living on an ice cream planet has been a waste.

Experts are stumped by how the entire mantle of the Planet managed to create the exact chemistry of ice cream, from the Rocky Rhodes mountains to the Mint Marshes and the abandoned Strawberry Sands. However, others who understand the Universe a bit better are quick to point out that life itself is so incredibly unlikely on a cosmic scale that at this point we should stop being shocked by anything.

The locals of Planet Whippy have spent several millenia experimenting on ice cream headaches. It is believed that once they finally discover the perfect cure, the planet will become the Most-Visited place in the Universe, being overrun by tourists in seconds and will have its structural integrity destroyed. For that reason, the locals are probably not working very hard.

 


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