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(Gorrian Meatgrinder – Hipwiggler – Homicidal Hominoid – Human – Kidney-Robbin’ Hobgoblin – Megamoeba – Muckmite – Neuron – Palindrone)
Gorrian Meatgrinder
HAEMORRHAGE: “THE MOMENT YOU FINISH, WE WILL MAKE CEREAL OF YOUR BRAINS.”
JAMES: “DELICIOUS BRAIN CEREAAAL!” – S2 E1 Scum of the Universe
Gorrians are 9-feet-tall, pig-faced, bloodthirsty warriors. They are creative in their violence, having invented such deadly weapons as the ‘Laser Chainsaw’ (the more successful cousin of the infamously disaster-prone ‘Laser Flail’).
Gorrians strive to achieve the 3 Tenets of a Great Gorrian: be Violent, be Vicious, be Victorious, and be Very-suspicious-of-maths.
They are allergic to helium-rich atmospheres and the concept of love. The Gorrian dating process is mostly based around belittlement and confusion, which might over time evolve into spite and fury, also known as ‘second base’.
The term ‘Meatgrinder’ is one of the rare types of Gorrian who have made a full-time profession out of their violence. Most are just hobbyists.
Hipwiggler
MURPHY: “Did you know, for example, that on Space Date 1652 o’ clock, Captain Patrick Murphy beat the Hipwigglers of Mambo 5 in an erotic dance-off?!” – S2 E2 Beastly Behaviour
Other species who have tried to join in with Hipwiggler dances have described it as ‘like being a lava lamp on a trampoline… in a magnitude 8 earthquake’.
Hipwiggler bodies are made of a gelatinous material, and their natural pulse changes tempo to match any beat they hear.
They used to sweep all awards at the Universe Dance-Offs, until a competition scandal saw the entire species banned. Being physically unable to reproduce the complete loss of limb control that was the legendary Dad-Dance, the Hipwigglers were caught cheating by sneaking in pun-filled joke-books, plaid shirts and a How-To Guide for building your own garden deck.
Homicidal Hominoid
NORMAN: “You have a Homicidal Hominoid eating mini-muffins?!”
KIDZWICK: “Well, no, of course not. Samantha has a gluten allergy.” – S2 E2 Beastly Behaviour
The worst dinner guests.
Human
MURPHY: “That’s a ‘beard’. Humans grow hair out of our faces.”
NORMAN: “Eurgh, why?” – S2 E1 Scum of the Universe
Humanoid in shape. Prone to excessive sweating. Humans partake in daily rituals of Waste Excretion and Self-Doubt, usually at the same time.
Humans originate from the planet Earth, or New Norwegia. Though they have only recently managed intergalactic travel, they were quick to spread and colonise useful planets.
Humans are treated with complete disinterest to the few species that are aware of them. They have yet to achieve the Universal classification of ‘Recognised Sentient Beings’, instead remaining at ‘Suitable Hosts for Fungus’.
Kidney-Robbin’ Hobgoblin
KIDZWICK: “From this moment, we Bufoboyants shall listen! Tell us who you REALLY are… and what you REALLY want!”
HOBGOBLIN: “KIDNEYS!” – S2 E2 Beastly Behaviour
Kidney-Robbin’ Hobgoblins are so patient, nefarious and single-minded in their ridiculous pursuits that they are often mistaken for cereal mascots.
Hobgoblins will spend years undercover, ingratiating themselves as trustworthy members of society with full and satisfying lives, slowly seeding the idea to their new families of signing up for organ-donor cards some day down the line…
Thus Kidney-Robbin’ Hobgoblins are considered masters of balance, managing to find the perfect work/life balance that eludes the upper-middle class, and the perfect physical balance to stand on top of another goblin in a cloak for several years.
Megamoeba
BUGGELSHEIM: “Ohhh, I may be an amorphous blob with no taste buds, but REVENGE IS SWEET!” – S2 E6 The Murphy Legacy
Megamoebas are human-sized single-cell organisms. Most species blame their evolution on the wildly unimaginative primordial soup that gave birth to them.
Megamoebas reproduce by splitting and are asexual, though the wealthier ones have been known to buy multiple genders for themselves as a form of social one-upping.
Ultra-Dame Buggelsheim is the most famous and wealthy Megamoeba.
Muckmite
MURPHY: “Greetings, Muckmites! May your huge jaws consume much faecal matter!”
MUCKMITE: “Cor, ain’t he posh? BUUUURRPP.” – S2 E1 Scum of the Universe
Planets with poor environmental support will hire crews of Muckmites to devour their mounds of rubbish and excrete pure Ozone to patch holes in the atmosphere.
In fact, some planets have taken to shooting their trash into orbit so that it will form secondary moons of junk, or ‘Trashtellites’, for a Muckmite colony to maintain the size of.
Muckmites are genuinely friendly creatures because of their stable jobs.
Muckmite biology differentiates significantly between those who eat food waste and those who dine on recyclables, but everyone is too embarrassed to ask how their digestive systems could possibly function as bottle-banks.
Neuron
NORMAN: “But the Neurons are incorporeal, Captain!”
RHO: “And if even ONE of them sees us, MIND CONTROL!” – S2 E4 Mind Heist
Creatures composed of psychic energy. Beings of average sentience can only see them as floating gaseous blobs.
They are incredibly snooty about this.
Without any physical bodily processes to be embarrassed about, the Neurons developed a societal disgust of ‘mental waste’ i.e. poorly-thought-out opinions. Neurons flush their baseless assumptions daily as they build up.
This has led to Neurons becoming a mostly insular species as they naturally read any surface thoughts around them, no matter how disgusting they are.
Objective information is currency to the Neurons. This has led to the growth of an information black market, and a sudden desire to contact other alien species to steal their data.
It is believed 99% of mysterious scams and chain emails originate from Planet Austerius.
Palindrone
BUGGELSHEIM: “It’s a time capsule of the future, built by PALINDRONES!”
RHO: “(GASP) The chronologically confused…!” – S2 E6 The Murphy Legacy
An alien species that experienced the lifespan of the Universe backwards.
A lot of species have tried to understand the practicalities of this, but any time a Palindrone is asked how this possibly works, they say with exasperation (before the question is asked) (and speaking backwards) (while pouring drink from their mouths back into their glasses) that they are tired of explaining it, having done so already many times in their past, or our future.
Priceless ancient ruins have been found from the beginning of the Universe that were constructed at the end of their timeline, and are often full of secrets about the future.
It is believed their chronological confusion is due to them not being able to read 24-hour clocks.
Astral Mermaid to Gazborian (S2)
Public-Indecency-Saurus to Widdelnaut (S2)
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